Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
