im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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