No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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