my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
