i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
