Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
