I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
