If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
Randomize
