That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
