Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
