dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
