If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
