I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
