just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
