we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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