Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
