Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
