Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize