hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize