I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize