My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize