If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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