I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
