dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
