Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
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