hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
he had hair everywhere except his balls
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
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