dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
