I am in a vortex of obligation.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
