My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Randomize
