I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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