I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
