You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
