I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
