just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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