K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
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