I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize