Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
