I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Hello my rib-scented angel!
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize