Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Randomize
