she woke up with a sticky ear
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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