It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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