for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize