remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Randomize
