I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
