If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
