im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
