every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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