The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize