We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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