When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
