Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
