She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize