he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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