I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Randomize
