seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize