it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
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