Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
