Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
