my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
