I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
They have beer where we have blood.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
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