You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
