i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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