I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
