Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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