I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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