I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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