Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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