Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize