No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
